The first time it happened was on a two day airplane flight back from Rwanda, where I was doing some Mission work. I was dehydrated, had been in the country for a few weeks so my nutrition was down. I had also been suffering with stomach issues and had been up for two days, so was exhausted and my body was weak.

Something happened on that flight when I was only two hours from home, that scared the hell out of me and forever has changed me. Out of the blue, while I was watching a movie, completely relaxed, I started getting dizzy. I sat up to move around, and my heart started beating fast. All of  a sudden my hands were trembling, I couldn’t breathe, my heart beat faster, I felt like I was going to throw up….I thought I was dying. The fear started a spinning wheel of thoughts about how they were going to land the plane, my heart was going to explode….which made my symptoms even worse.

It was a rough couple of hours until we landed. The flight attendants were sympathetic and offered me food and water. My travel mate helped me in the back, I drank and ate, moved, splashed water on my face, focused on my breathing, and we landed. But I was shaken.

I went to the doctors immediately after. I had blood drawn, I did an EKG. I have an abnormally slow heart rate, but all was well. Their verdict? I simply had a panic attack brought on by my weak physical state.

WTF???

Due to the conditions from the trip (exhaustion, dehydration) then the airplane pressure plus my low heart rate, the doctor said my body had a physical reaction, which triggered fear, which triggered an anxiety attack.

I didn’t like it, but, well, a one time thing; over and done.

But then it happened again (I fly a lot with work).

But this one was different. This one started with fear (in my head) of another attack, which led to the attack itself.

What a horrible, awful sensation. Fear assaults my brain, which triggers an assault on my nervous system, which leads to physical, blended with mental chaos. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. Such a loss of control; a scary and powerful energy that honest to god, feels like it’s killing me.

Over the course of the next year, I had to keep flying with work and approached every flight with a solid plan. Special blue-light glasses, herbal meds, aromatherapy oils and peaceful podcasts were my routine. The attacks weren’t as bad, but keeping them at bay was almost as awful. Sometimes fighting off an attack, was as exhausting as having one.

But things were looking up! I finally got to a point where a few shorter flights in, I kept distracted and holy crap – was fine!

Finally, this bullshit is over! I am free of it!

But then, out of the blue,  it just happened again. And from there on out, each flight, has been a struggle. Never as bad as that first trip, but always exhausting, mentally and physically.

And worse, occasionally, in other times of life – driving in particular, that “creeping feeling”of it about to hit has come back. Again, not enough to send me down the rabbit hole, but enough to scare me, and enough to exhaust me battling it.

I am not afraid of flying or planes. I am not afraid of driving. I am not afraid of dying, or spiders or heights – or really anything.

I am afraid, of having a panic attack.

I used to hear about people getting anxiety or panic attacks and I thought they were all rooted in phobias. That they were scared of something so dreadful, it drove them to their nervous reaction.

I don’t have that. No trigger, other than the trigger of maybe getting a panic attack!

I say again, WTF?

Of course I’ve done loads of research and this sums it up the best.

Stolen from the Anxiety Network, “Basic Facts about Panic Attacks, by
by Thomas A. Richards, Ph.D., Psychologist “a panic attack can only be described as a comprehensive emotional nightmare. Some people with panic feel like they are in an escalating cycle of catastrophe and doom and that something bad is going to happen to them “right now this very moment.”

Others feel as if they are having a heart attack as their heart races. The heart palpitations convince them that they are about to have an attack. Other people feel that they are going to “lose control” of themselves and will do something embarrassing in front of other people. Others breathe so quickly, taking rapid short breaths and gasping for air, that they hyperventilate and feel like they will suffocate from lack of oxygen.

I’m in the second paragraph’s camp.  And he described it well. It’s an emotional nightmare, so real it’s debilitating.

But I am gonna tell you something. This is NOT going to be my life. I am going to simply, kick this. I choose to NOT live this way, and I choose to NOT let myself go down this rabbit hole.

I think it’s one of the reasons I keep challenging myself physically, to do some of the hardest things out there (Ironman, ultramarathons). If I can find the power within me so get through those, I can find the power within me to get through this.

My mind – that slippery little sucker better watch out; those thoughts are not going to win. I will find power in knowing I can get through it. I will find power knowing I am not going to die, I may simply going to be uncomfortable for a bit, but I will get through this.

But I also, am not naive enough to think I can will myself out of this without the proper tools. I am quitting caffeine in the new year, as well as sugar. I vow to meditate, and visualize panic-free plane rides. I will manage my stress better, and keep up fresh air and good eating.  I will do more research and determine what other triggers I may have out there, and I will slowly, one day at a time, kick this stupid things ass.

I have such sympathy for people whose lives, this controls. I realize in reading many articles, there are so many worse variations and versions out there. It is dreadful, and real and painful and awful. I am so grateful I was early on able to figure out what was going on with me, and will continue to pray that I too, will not ever succumb to the debilitating and lasting affect, this disorder can wreak.