So, I ran my first marathon about 20 years ago. I liked to think I was doing it for the challenge, I was pushing myself to do the impossible.

But let’s be honest, I just knew it would be an excuse to eat whatever I wanted and stay skinny forever. You’ve seen those hard core runners right? Those suckers are lean and mean.

Yes sadly, that was not true for me. I was one of the few people I know who gained at least five pounds by the time it was all said and done. We did do it, let me preface with that. My husband did the silly thing right along side me (that freak of nature LOST weight, but don’t get me started on that…), and can attest to the pure crap we fueled ourselves with. So, looking back, it was easy to see the big fat fail on the eating plan.

We felt like gladiators after those running sessions. We would eat until we were sick. Our weekend long runs were followed up with mocha latte’s and bagel stops on the way home, trailed by endless pasta and couch sessions. Beer, popcorn and anything else within shuffles reach closed the day.

Simple math really. We burned about 100 calories a mile. So, long runs were anywhere from 15-23 miles. Even at the longest run, and burning a whopping 2300 calories – bagels, cream cheese, mocha lattes, pounds of pasta with cheese, popcorn, beer and snacks in between quickly undid, undo any good we did.

A cheat day? Sure, once or twice, OK.

But soon I was waking up the days after my long runs, and “carbo loading” for the week ahead. I’d stuff my face mid-week and use the awesome psychology that “well I am still burning fat from my long run four days ago, so I am burning (and therefore can eat!) calories twice as fast as I normally would”.

Suffice it to say, I was fighting an uphill, and losing, battle. It’s surprising I didn’t gain more weight.

Good news is, I ran many more marathons, and even took to ultra marathons. Over time, I like to think I sorted out the balance with food and fueling.

(Although I wish I could say I was), I never became one of the uber-healthy athletes you see in one of those health magazine interviews. You know the type, “oh well, I have a green smoothie every morning, a handful of raw almonds for a snack, lean fish and veggies for luch, and a lovely bowl of blueberries sprinkled with Chia seeds for dinner.” (I think I eat that just for breakfast alone).

BUT, I have over the years, done a good job of not making a habit of really bad eating, and understanding the balance of putting in vs burning off. I ran, my weight maintained. I found my own version of “balance”.

So, after some digression, let me jump back ahead.

I recently signed on for an Ironman. 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride followed by a 26.2 mile run. 17 hour cut off. A doozy right? My gladiator mentality is burning.

And I will admit, I have found joy in boasting about this beast…

“Yes yes, I am doing an Ironman, yes, oh my it is tough…woo boy do I do some serious training….hours and hours of it”. (In other words, yes I am a stud, look how rad I am).

But trust me, my mind goes right back to my core driver…food. If I were to be truly honest, I’d be instead saying, “Holy shit, you should see how many calories I am burning. I work out 2-4 hours a day. And the entire time I am working out I am anticipating what I can eat all day long! That is 1200-2400 calories day EXTRA I burn and get to eat Bring on the donuts!!”

It’s true. I am pathetic.

And in all honesty, I am disappointed in myself. I know better. I’ve worked through being the fat girl. I’ve navigated around weight gains and exercise for years. I know how I am supposed to fuel myself. I know what I should do (drink lots of water, eat good wholesome clean food).

But guess what was for dinner last night? Tequila, rocky road ice cream, tortilla chips and cheese.

Is that a nightly occurrence? Uh, not reeeaalllly…. But, wanna ask me how many veggies, yams, brown rice, berries and green smoothies I have had since training began 6 weeks ago? About 5 (yes 5, one of each).

I find myself making excuse after excuse on WHY I keep eating like this.

I guess because I am not gaining weight (yet). But c’mon, it’s not just about weight (I swear, it’s really not).

I mean, I DO want to have a good race. And so it’s really about feeling good. It’s about sleeping well. It’s about WANTING to go work out and chase my goals, rather than dread waking up and pushing my body for four hours just to make a dent in the crap I stuffed myself with last night.

Today was a defining day. After my tequila and rocky road fest last night, I had a full day of training to get up for (an hour swim, an hour run and a two hour bike ride) this morning.

It sucked. I know it sounds like a lot of exercise, and I’ll give myself a little credit it is.

But trust me. I have been training many years for many miles and many hours so this should have been no problem.

It was.

I was slow, thick, and foggy. My footsteps were heavy and my mind was syrupy. I got through it, and I realized that my race is going to suck ass if I don’t get my act in gear.

And at this rate, I just don’t have the juice.

I have done loads of reading and am somewhat comforted to know I am not alone in this. According to http://ironstruck.com/ironman-mistakes, “Its almost sad to see the effort some people put into their ironman training only to stall their strength and endurance growth with an improper diet. This is most likely the most common ironman mistake next to over-training…” (does that make me feel worse or better? I am not sure).

I guess the good news is, I know what to do and I have time to train (approximately 24 weeks). And there are a million articles, websites and tips out there prescriptively detailing out exactly what to do and how to do it, for the best results possible while training for an Ironman (I said it before, I’ll say it again….hydration, wholesome food, proper training and equally important proper rest…).

So I am going to seize the day! Strike while the iron is hot! Gather ye rosebuds while ye may! Or my favorite Nike variation, “JUST FUCKING DO IT”.

It is time for me to honor and respect my body and this training. I owe it to my training, I owe it to myself. It starts now.

Well, maybe tomorrow. I already blew it today and have a box of Lucky Charms I need to polish off.