I struggled throughout my childhood not being good enough. My brother always got the better grades, my friends were always skinnier and prettier, I was never the smartest, fastest or strongest. I was pretty – enough, smart – enough, nice – enough, but just an average girl who dreamt of being magnificent – always falling short (at least in my own eyes). My parents were as attentive as they could be, but this lack of confidence oozed into all aspects of my life.

Desperate to be anything other than “average,” I used bold words, loud language, false confidence and “in your face” behavior to be seen, heard and stand out. I wasn’t good at anything “good,” so I found I could be pretty good at being bad.

I used shock tactics and limit pushing to get the negative attention, which, (psychology has taught me over the years), was attention regardless, so my behavior and patterns continued because even though I was getting yelled at (or arrested), at least I was being acknowledged.

It got to the point, my poor behavior so commonplace, than rather feel bad about the way I acted, I justified it. I talked myself into “how that person deserved whatever evil I unleashed on them” so I could continue doing it.

But we know, our souls know, when we are doing the wrong thing. And as much as we want to justify it, we can’t outrun our soul. The angel on my right shoulder constantly was yelling at the devil on my left shoulder, so I used drugs, alcohol and ridiculously dangerous behavior to try and shut that soft little right shoulder’s voice any time it peeped up.

My teen years were a tornado of hurt, pain, confusion, self-hatred and endless seeking. That included plenty of bad decisions with boys who mistreated me, used me, abused me and who I allowed, to make me feel even worse about myself, my body, my confidence.

Through glorious intervention, God brought my now husband into my life when I was 20. To say my now husband saved my life is an understatement. He is magnificent, supportive, kind –  and a true gift from God.

Although my love was perfect. I was/am not.

And even though the bad habits of my youth (thank Jesus), vanished to a point of thin, wispy memories, I still cling to a character trait of being needing to be seen, heard, recognized and validated. To stand out from the crowd.

In my youth, that attention was through bad choices and negative behavior. But, as I matured, I found myself seeking attention with more positive things.

I pushed myself into things like Ironman races, Ultra marathons, pushing limits on negotiations for the highest paying jobs (and even taking on jobs I have no business taking on but fake it till I make it). I need to be a success. I need to rise above the norm. I need to stand out from the crowd and not just run 26.2 miles which is hard enough, but push myself to run 100 miles, because “I am REALLY bad ass”. I need to have a better job than my brother, who went to Harvey Mudd and a 4.5 GPA while I floated with a 2.9 and barely got out of college 12 years later. I needed to be the SuperMom who could run her races, raise her kids, cook, clean AND hold down a heavy full time job.

I need(ed) to be EXCELLENT.

It’s not a competition for me. I am not, by nature a competitive person. At least not against others, but in analyzation, I am certainly competitive with myself.

So, this is my question. Is this a bad thing? Is pushing myself to succeed, strive for the top, pursue and claim hard victories detrimental?

I had a therapist tell me once it was. She said that by never giving up, I am showing my girls we have to succeed, and that failure is not an option. I disagreed with her at the time, because my motives in pushing myself so hard and true and righteous in their nature. I did operate with that “never give up attitude” to show my girls precisely that. That you CAN do/get/be anything you want in this life.

But I get the therapists point. It won’t ALWAYS happen. You won’t always reach that dream.

This is the thing, that is OK.

It’s the balance of acknowledging when and how you’ve done your best, for a revaluation and then a shift of plans to either tweak, or find a new goal to replace it.

I don’t ever way to stop pushing myself. I don’t ever want my girls to give up on their truest dreams. And I DO think it’s OK to push past average, and be the best you can be.

The trick, is to keep your reasons and motivations for pushing yourself in check. I just finished another Ironman race, and guess what, I HATED IT. I felt like I couldn’t give up (halfway in to training when I was injured) and so pushed through it, suffering the entire time. And sadly, I barely enjoyed the success of it. I took much less joy in crossing that finish line because I HATED the whole process so much.

It was a good lesson for me. That race, would have been OK to give up. I had already done one, I don’t need to prove I could do it again. I could have simply said, “I am injured, I am hurting my body in pushing myself, and this is no fun”. Then, stopped the insanity I was dealing with for training, and gone on to do something much more enjoyable like yoga.

Would my family have cared? Would they have thought less of me? Would I have been any less of a bad ass? Of course not. This one was all about me, my ego, and that little kid “needing to be seen” who still resonates within me.

So push yourself, set your goals and define your dreams. Just make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. Finding joy, enjoying yourself, and finding peace even in the hard efforts you undertake are all signs you’re doing it for the right reasons. Make sure to look for them.

Cheers, to you and the journey you’re on!