Bodies in motion stay in motion. We move, we keep moving. It’s the simple law of inertia. Mentally, physically and spiritually, this momentum is a scientifically proven fact. Newton’s First Law of Motion states that a body at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force acts on it.

Well, this body has stopped. I have NOTHING outside acting on it. I am frozen.

It wasn’t long ago I was waking up at 3am, training for my Ironman for 3 hours, then showering, and getting to work by 8:30 for a full 9-11 hours of work. Granted, I passed out at 8pm after less than an hour connecting with my husband and trying to eat, but I managed to keep it rolling. Oh, and this was pre-Christmas time, so add all that chaos in.

Fast forward two months. Ironman is over, holidays are over.

And I -can’t-get -off-the-couch.

I can’t get motivated. This is one of 5 writings I have tried starting that just, stop. I’ve clocked more TV time than I ever have in my life, I am exercising less than I ever have in my life, and, I feel worse, than I ever have in my life.

Part of this angst is unemployment. I am on month three.

The money part is scary. Month three of Cobra insurance; month three of no paycheck; month three of me staring at my walls. This is also the month both my girls college tuition was due. A painful faucet leak on our savings account I can’t fix.

The rejection part is scarier. I have applied at over 100 jobs. I have been turned down, led on, rejected. I have spent $1500 on a video resume, another $300 on an updated resume, yet still, here I sit. I have not, not had a job since I was 15 years old. Maybe even 12 if you include babysitting. I have a lot of my self worth tied up in my work. Not working leaves me with zero idea of what my self worth really is. The rejection, stings.

I feel old, I feel unwanted. I feel, not smart.

Another part of my angst is actually confusion. What the hell am I doing with my life? I can’t even figure our what I am doing with TODAY.

What do people who don’t work, do? I have cleaned. Redecorated. Cooked. I even cleaned the attic. Seriously, what do people DO all day?

I have hit a wall. I have hit a wall. I have nothing else to say, except I have hit a wall.

Today I am a bit sick, adding a little more pity to the party I am throwing myself. And it’s cold and grey outside. Boohoo me.

OK, big breath.

I know I will work again. I know things will get crazy and busy once more. I know I will likely look back on this off work time and ask “why didn’t I enjoy it more?”

But caught up in the middle of it, I am having such a stuck in the mud frozen experience, I just can’t find the will to scrape myself out of it.

I’ve got zero ability to rationalize, analyze or hypothesize. I get it enough to know there is a lesson in all of this, and if I had the fortitude, I could spend more time in that headspace.

But my focus is full of hiccups.

My creativity is thick with dusty cobwebs.

And my energy, even with three cups of coffee, is limited to barely moving my fingertips to type.

If I’m going to change, I am going to need to apply forces that are greater than the forces currently controlling the direction of my life (which is seemingly nothing, but obviously IS something strong enough to keep me frozen).

To go where I need to go is going to take a boatload of new, fresh propelling energy.

But I sure ‘ain’t got it.

Right now. I’ve got my couch. And another cup of coffee.