I’ve been so sad for so long. I’ve been depressed, and anxious and angry. I’ve cried, popped Xanax, lost sleep and emptied the tequila bottle one too many times. It’s been months of this daily baby violin playing (Spongebob people c’mon!), and I am tired. I am truly, exhausted. My husband, through tears the other day, said he wants his wife back, that I am broken.

He is right.

The why, is another story, another time.

The now, is that this morning I finally had a moment. A glimmer. A small shiny aha, buried under layers of fear, anger, resentment and pain. But I felt it. It’s there. It’s as small as that little ember that finally sparked from hours of rubbing wood, but it is there.

I’ve been doing lots of meditations lately. One that spoke to me was about this Buddhist statue.  There is a group of Buddhists and they are trying to move a large, clay Buddha statue. The rain comes during their work, so they rush to cover it, and agree to finish the next day when the rain is gone. Papa Buddha comes to check on it in the middle of the night with his flashlight (for some reason it struck me funny he had a flashlight, I don’t know why, but it did) and like he feared, the rain had softened the clay. But….something shiny caught his eye! Peeling a little more clay back, he discovered something amazing. The statue was solid gold. 

Another meditation I liked (I promise I am making a point here), was one talking you through this forest experience. You see this amazing tree, you connect with the tree, go hug it and become the tree. You see yourself through these life cycles, and the first, is Fall. All the leaves drop (representing all your burdens), and they become the fertilizer that help you grow and bloom into the second cycle; Spring – rebirth.

You get the point. Well, at least I get the point.

I am covered in clay and dead leaves. I can literally feel the mud and crust and grit clogging my cells, my joints, my brain, my heart, my soul.

I hate being a cliche, but I did have an aha moment today. It was a little ember I am holding on to.

And ironically, that little ember I felt, inspired my gratefulness to even feel the spark.

It was the first positive feeling I’ve had in a while, and it felt GOOD.

Which leads me to deduce, if  that small spark felt a little good, then more gratitude will continue to stoke my fire, and feel REALLY GOOD. 

So I am focusing there.

Gratitude.

I have so many people loving and praying for me right now. I’ve had my best friend bring me fruit and tomatoes from her garden, along flowers and cards. Neighbors offering to bring us groceries, and drop off meals. My mom and dad calling me every, single day to check in on me, and and offer me money they don’t have, to help in any way they can.

Most important? I am married to the love of my life, and the most amazing support system God could ever provide. This man, my husband, has nursed, hugged, fed, massaged, prayed and loved me so wholly during this period of my life that he is doing so at the sake of his own health and well being. We have a roof over our heads, money in the bank, food in our pantry.

I am SAFE. I am LOVED. I am OK.

And, I finally am connecting with that.

Right now.

That makes me cry. Again.

But these tears are hope. These tears are the rain melting my mud.

I’m inspired to add an extended ending to the Buddhist story I shared.

‘The next day, they allowed the rain to melt the mud off the Buddha statue, with full faith it would remove all the dirt from the golden treasure. When the sun rose, there stood the most brilliant golden Buddha they had ever seen….”

My metaphor? I have to face the rain and storm. It may melt me a little, but I recognize it’s really a gift. A gift to help me become who I am meant to become. My rain, my storm? It’s meant to melt the mud, and cleanse me.

I am starting to shine. I know there is more rain. But that solid gold Kristin? She is strong. She’ll be ok. 

I’ll find all of her soon.